Just Because
by Dream-with-your-heart
Summary: After Edward left, Bella became a mess-at least until she figured out she was pregnant. Now, a couple of years later, when Bella's life is slowly going, she must choose whether Renesmee gets to meet her father or not. Rated M just in case...
1. Chapter 1

I missed him. There was pain in my chest, right where my heart used to be. The pain would constrict my lungs; remove my ability to breathe. The air would stop flowing, my heart would start throbbing and I would gasp out his name over and over again, but he would never hear me.

Because he was gone.

Tears would pool in my eyes and without warning, slid down my puffy cheeks, never ending. I would feel like my body was closing in on me, the ache in my chest opening up and I would ball myself up on the floor tightly, desperate the close it back.

Because he was gone.

Images. Pictures. Memories. They would form in my head mocking me; taunting me with the blissfulness that once was true. They would swim around in plain sight but not within reach. Never within reach.

Because he was gone.

I would rock myself trying in vain to make them go away, but I would fall asleep instead, but not for long. The nightmare would invade my once dreamless state and present itself front and center to me replaying the last moments when I had him, and lost him all the same. I would cry myself awake and cry myself asleep.

Because he was gone.

I would try to hate him, oh how I would try. But I could never do it. He had given me too much, loved me too much, for me to regret any memory. I never spoke about him to my friends. I never tried to move on; because I couldn't no matter how much I wanted to, if I wanted to. I never allowed myself the luxury of thinking about him; not when there were so many people around. Only when the months became overbearing and so very lonely, did I lock myself in my room and open the memories. I would feel the emotions all over again; the absolute joy, the unforgettable love. I would see the fierce protectiveness he had for me, I would feel his gentle caresses and his even gentler kisses, all over again. I would feel absolute contentment and happiness and love and adoration.

But then, like a whip lash, the dark memories would leap over the bright ones, obstructing my view. They would seize me, and suffocate me. They would bring the self-hatred, the betrayal, the guilt, the pain, the everlasting torture. I would bawl my eyes out, thankful that Charlie wasn't home to hear it. I would pour out all my insecurities, all my confessions, my sufferings, and my hopelessness. When the crying quieted down, I would remain a sobbing mess on my bed; tangled in the sheets. I would sob out all the apologies I had in me. And then, as easy as it was to let myself go, I would bottle it up, stuff it down, push it back, and then go cook dinner all the while plastering a smile on my face like my world didn't just crumble down again in my room.

All because he was gone


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 1.**

'NO!' I awoke screaming, tears streaming down my face.

My chest lifted and fell as I took deep breaths, trying to control my heart. I sat up slowly on the bed, careful not to wake up Renesmee. In the darkness of the room, all I heard were her even breaths, and my ragged ones. I passed the back of my palm to my sweat coated forehead and wiped the thin sheen sweat. I rested my head against the headboard and closed my eyes. But as soon as my eyelids shut, the dream came back full swing. I felt the emptiness around me, I heard the screams cut short, and I saw the terror on their on the faces. But most of all, I felt the uselessness, hopelessness and utter disbelief as I looked on, frozen by some unstoppable, unseen force.

I sucked in a breath as I forced my eyes to open and forget the nightmare. I felt the beginnings of tears race forward, but I pushed them back. There was no reason to cry over a nightmare especially when it was only my imagination playing dirty tricks on me.

Next to me, my daughter stirred.

"Mommy, are you alright?"she whispered to me. I saw her scared face, and it was more than enough to pull me back to reality. I pulled her body tight in my arms and kissed her copper locks.

"Sweetheart, you don't need to worry about me. I'm alright. It was just a dream that scared me a little."I mumbled into her hair. her body angled away from mine as she pulled back to look at me. Then, suddenly she smiled a big grin and spoke in no uncertain terms.

"Don't worry mommy, you don't have to be scared," she said as a matter of fact, "I'll protect you."

She sounded so sure and certain of herself that I couldn't help but feel proud of her as I smiled at her in the dim lighting of sunrise in our room.

"And who's going to protect you?" I teased. She giggled before she answered my question.

"Jake of course!" she laughed and I laughed along with her. A quick glance at the nightstand clock revealed that it was only past 5 o' clock in the morning. It was obvious that we weren't going to sleep anytime soon, so scooping her still laughing body up in my arms just because I wanted to, I carried us downstairs to get started on the morning.

We were bent over laughing from the force of each other's tickles when Charlie found us, a few hours into the morning. He lent against the doorway and watched us with an amused expression fighting not to laugh. He lost. He walked closer to us chuckling all the way and teamed up with me against Nessie.

She screamed when he tickled her sides. Somehow she managed to get away and dash towards the living room. I looked at Charlie, raising my eyebrows silently asking him if he was up to the challenge. At that same moment the toaster chimed and I felt a slight wind as he rushed to catch her. I shook my head chuckling and took the toasts out of the toaster spreading jam on each of them.

"Dad! Nessie! Breakfast!"I called to them. Nessie squealed as dad caught her and lifted her up, sitting her down by the kitchen table. He was breathing heavily and a few drops of sweat trickled down his brow. Unfortunately, he wasn't as young as he used to be, but he tried so hard for Renesmee. We all sat down, and, unlike when only Charlie and I ate alone in comfortable silence, conversation flowed freely and naturally around us when Nessie was present. After a few minutes Charlie got up and left for the station leaving Nessie and I home.

I looked at her from across the table and smiled mischievously. That got her attention. She looked at me curiously for a moment.

"Mommy what are you going to do?" she asked me cautiously. My answer was to lean forward and clasp my hand together.

"Well my most beautiful daughter," I smirked, "since it _is_ a Friday morning, and it would be absolutely treacherous to stay indoors on a sunny day in Forks. I say, how about we go over to La Push and surprise Jacob?"

She squealed and clapped her hands, smiling brightly. Since Jacob was a year younger than me, he was graduating next year. This was his last academic year of high school and boy was he happy about that. It meant that he was free from school, and that he had more time to spend with Nessie. Earlier this year, when he finally changed, he imprinted on Renesmee and from then on, she had him wrapped around her tiny little finger.

She hurried upstairs to get ready, a smile plastered on her face. I chuckled lowly to myself and cleared the table. She was always excited to see Jake. He was her best friend. But, he was also her protector and I couldn't have found a better person to protect my daughter. He loved her unconditionally and he would do _anything _to make her happy. Lately, they haven't been able to see each other because of Jake's studies and because my truck had broken down. But, my truck just got fixed and it would be nice if Jacob saw that she was in one piece. He was always worried sick.Suddenly, an idea came to me.

"Nessie?!" I yelled to her.

"Yeah mommy?!" she yelled back. She sounded so cute when she raised her soprano voice.

"Pack a bag with your bath suit would you? If you're good, maybe we'll go to the beach!" I heard her squeal for the second time this morning because she knows that no matter what happens; she's going to end up at the beach. I smiled again for the millionth time this morning, when I finally realized something; I had a lot to be thankful for and a lot to smile about, so why did that nightmare scare me so much? It took me only a moment to figure it out. I was happy, yes, but during that growing period of absolute contentment, my mind was subconsciously suppressing the painful memories. So they weren't gone. I was not getting over them. I was just pushing them away so my mind won't be forced to deal with it directly. Now, because I was in denial for over a year, the memories twisted into something false, and made an appearance in my dreams. I had a feeling that they weren't over, that they were on the surface of my mind, forcing to get noticed.

The shock of it all stunned me, and for a moment, I stood there staring at the plate in my hands, while my throat tightened and while I struggled to breathe. Only the crashing of the plate snapped me out of it, and I gasped for air.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 2**

A year ago, I thought that I couldn't go on because the love I had to offer was a joke to the person it was meant for and that I wasn't good enough because he didn't love me. I still think that. But lately since my precious girl was born, my love had somewhere to go and she appreciated and reciprocated that love. But even sometimes a daughter's unconditional love isn't enough to quell the undeniable void that keeps plaguing me. Sometimes, her adorably small 5 year old hands aren't big enough to wrap around me and ensure absolute protection.

But, it isn't her job to worry about me, which is why I try to protect her with my life. It's why a year after all the sadness and depression happened, I'm able to put aside my needs and instead listen to the needs of my daughter. I love her with all the love left in me, and where I don't have enough, Jacob always picks up and gives her what she needs and wants and I am more than just grateful to him for that.

He's done so much for her where I couldn't. Yes, I'm her mother. Yes, I love her more than anything. And yes, I would gladly lay down my life for her if it means happiness for her. But there are some things that Jake can give her, which I could never.

"Sweetheart, stop bouncing," I laughed at her antics. She was so excited to see Jake. She insisted on her good yellow sundress, green tights and yellow flats. I had to admit; she looked adorable, especially when she had 2 pigtails to top it off. Her bright smile just reinforced the innocent beauty. She looked more alive than I've ever seen her for the past few weeks that we haven't seen Jacob. In fact, she looked giddy with happiness.

"We're here," I announced.

I pulled into the Black's driveway and I saw Billy coming towards us with a huge grin on his face. I chuckled to myself. I forgot that I wasn't only depriving Jacob of Nessie; I was also depriving the whole of La Push of her. And of course I was also depriving my daughter of everyone else. I frowned to myself; I didn't realize that I was depriving so much people. Well, that'll be fixed today.

Before we left, I had called Charlie to tell him where we'd be for the day. He said that he would drive down after work. I had a feeling that he felt bad about not seeing his best friend in a while. Strangely, he had been covering more shifts during the weekends and hadn't been able to accompany Billy for fishing. I guess today was a day to make up for lost time.

I got out of my old truck and walked to the passenger side to open Nessie's door. As soon as her feet hit the ground, she ran to Billy at the foot of the porch steps. I laughed loudly-as did Billy- as I walked towards him at a much leisurely pace.

We said a quick hello and shared a quick hug as Nessie was perched atop his lap and we both were engrossed in her story about the time she found a spider in the bathroom while she was bathing.

We walked into the living room and got comfortable while waiting for Jacob to return from school in a few hours.

Somewhere between Nessie's stories, I entered the kitchen to cook lunch. I knew Billy didn't mind and whenever we came here, he encouraged me to cook. He said that Jake was hopeless in the kitchen so, I had gotten up when they both were glued to watching 'The Lion King'.

After much digging around in the fridge, I finally decided on fried fish and rice with vegetables.

I got out all the necessary ingredients and lit the stove. While the rice was boiling, I started the light broth that I was going to cook the vegetables in before straining them to eat. Then I started preparing the ingredients for the fried fish.

I paused in my cooking to peer into the living room where Billy and Nessie were still glued to the television but this time singing 'Hakuna Matata'. My eyes widen- almost comically- as I watched the scene before me. I could understand my daughter's excitement for the song, but I never imagined Billy to be one to sing and dance to a cartoon before. I shook my head chuckling.

By 12;30, I had lunch ready and we ate heartily. Billy praised me for my cooking and Nessie almost demanded that I make this more often. I had to laugh when she said it because she looked so adorable when she was trying to be serious.

A couple of hours later, Jake came home looking tired and stressed.

As soon as her little pair of eyes rested on his form, all thoughts of food and movies flew out the window. She flew off the couch to his crouched form and into his arms. He spun her around the air as they laughed and hugged for the first time in weeks. Each of their smiles matched the other; both bright, both free of any worries.

"Jake!" she laughed uncontrollably.

"Nessie, I missed you," he said lightly but his eyes betrayed him; he missed her more than he let on. Luckily, her head was tucked into his shoulder as he looked over to me and his father.

Billy was positively shaking with laughter and amusement but there was tenderness for Jake and Renesmee in his expression.

As Jacob met my gaze, I mouthed an apology to him. He nodded back, held Nessie tighter and kissed her brotherly on her forehead. They truly missed each other and I regretted not coming to La Push sooner. I watched her launch into another one of her stories and decided that it was about time to put my little plan into action. They deserved that much.

I walked over to them still standing by the front door.

"Nessie?" I said to her. She paused in the middle of a sentence to look at me curiously.

"I think we should let Jake relax while you change clothes. Don't you sweetheart?" I smiled at her.

She looked confused for only a second before she squealed happily and clapped her hands together. While Jacob looked hopelessly confused, I took Nessie to Billy's room to get changed into her bathing suit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3**

We caught up to Jake at La Push beach. Unlike Forks, the sun was shining brightly and I greedily drank up the warmth it provided. Still in my jeans and t-shirt I looked down at my daughter clad in her blue one piece swimsuit and, of course, her smile ever present. Her brown eyes lit up when she saw Jacob and within 2 seconds, she was piggybacking on him. All I saw was a blue and brown blur run across the expanse of the beach. I chuckled. She hardly used her powers and sometimes it was easy to forget that she had them. But she always got excited when Jacob was around. I'm just glad she decided to get overly excited when we were sans unsuspecting humans.

I walked over to where Renesmee was trying to cover Jake's whole body with sand. She had a long way to go. A huge smile made its home on my face as I got near enough to hear their playful banter.

"Spiders aren't scary," Jake scoffed.

"They are too!" She rebutted, "They're creepy and crawly and they make me get the shivers! Plus, they're hairy. It's icky!"

"Hey! I'm hairy when I'm a wolf. So you're telling me that I'm icky?!" He pretended to feel hurt, complete with holding his palm to his heart.

It was hilarious and I couldn't help but burst out laughing with Jacob joining in. My baby's expression was enough to get me to try to shut up and I slapped my palm to my mouth. Ironically, Jake wasn't so fortunate to see her put out expression.

When my daughter caught my eye, I mouthed a sorry and she smiled in forgiveness. She was very forgiving to me. Jake? Not so much. I gestured that I was gonna leave them alone to catch up and her eyes lit up like Christmas lights. She hugged me tightly and I kissed her forehead and backtracked to Billy's house. All this happened and Jacob remained oblivious.

I'm glad I left them. They've missed each other too much and I didn't even know. I felt terrible that I had them so close but yet so far away from each other. I thought about them like they were already together and dating and madly in love. I wanted them to enjoy their time together and take things slow but I knew it wasn't going to happen. They simply love each other too much even if they were only best friends and not a couple. Yet.

I was grateful for the imprint because I knew that Jake was her one and only. That meant that heartbreaks won't come near her and that was more than just great. But it also meant that she would fall more in love with Jacob as she got older. And that meant that it would be hard for them to take things slow. She was going to grow up so fast, both literally _and _figuratively. I glanced back at my daughter and my best friend. She was already growing up. She was barely 2 years old and she already looked 5 years old.

I stifled a whimper at that realization. The feelings swelled inside me. I closed my eyes a moment to get rid of them, but they were still there. I didn't want to feel this regret because she was going to grow up so fast and not be my little miracle anymore. I didn't want to feel like wishing she would stay 2 years old forever. It was selfish and I knew that. It was selfish to want her to stay this way, where no one would do her harm even _when_ Jake was in her life. It was selfish to not want her to grow up and experience the completely blissful period where the only thing keeping you from floating high above the clouds was your soulmate and not gravity because I knew how it felt long ago. And wanting to keep that from her was hypocritical and shameful on my part.

I heard their laughter from the distance and another feeling swell up inside me. Guilt. I shouldn't even be feeling like this. She was my daughter, my own flesh and blood and I was putting my own experiences on the forefront of my mind to judge her life. Just because my love life didn't work out didn't mean that I should try to dictate hers. My Renesmee wasn't going to make the same mistakes I did and if she did, then I would wrap my arms around her and assure her of the good things in life and how the bad things weren't worth crying over. I would give her the knowledge and wisdom that I had gained a little over a year ago and she would do with it what she pleased. I was ashamed of myself and my head dropped a notch as I continued toward the house.

I should have realized all of this sooner. Ignored memories were pushing their way to be noticed and I felt the scratch of a locked away memory as it resurfaced.

The meadow.

Of course it had to be the meadow. We were carefree and in love and now discovering each other. Our biggest problem was his thirst and not my doubt for his love for me. We were talking and laughing and just being carefree. I remembered it all perfectly.

The other memories were pushing their way to get noticed and as some of them flashed in front of me obscuring my path, I noticed they weren't all good, and with bad memories came the heartache. I didn't want to live it again so I did what I do every time I almost get carried away; I forced myself to stifle and ignore them as the nostalgia crept in. I shook my head to clear the fog. It was all too much. The regrets, the guilt and the feelings of selfishness that emerge first at Renesmee coupled with the pain, the nostalgia, the heartache, the memories and more regrets that come from my past were too much for me to cope with. I was a failure as a mother and a spineless, weak woman who couldn't get someone to love her. I breathed out to banish the feelings that had started to form. It was another example of my weakness; I couldn't even face my past. No wonder he _and _his family had left me. I wasn't good enough.

I hung my head lower and quickened my steps, thinking that if I moved faster, I could outrun my dizzying feelings. My path finally curved up to Billy's house finally, where he was waiting patiently.

"Bella, we need to talk."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

I knew what Billy wanted to talk about. Unfortunately, it was also something I was hoping to avoid vehemently.

Reluctantly, I walked up the few steps to the porch where he was waiting with his arms crossed, a stern expression on his slightly wrinkled face. I decided I would play innocent and naïve.

"What would you like to talk about Billy?" I asked. Unfortunately I was also a horrible liar, so he saw right through me.

"Bella," he said in his famous no nonsense tone, "you know very well what _we have _to talk about. And please don't beat around the bush with it because you and I both know that it's inevitable."

I resigned myself with a nod and sat on a bench next to him. My back hunched over as I rested my elbows on my knees, silently preparing myself for this talk.

"Isabella," his voice turned soft, "you know I care about you but you're not paying attention to yourself. I didn't call you to accuse you and pass judgment, you know that, but I have to ask: what happened?"

_What happened?_

Such a simple question, but it was loaded with raw emotions I had hoped to keep hidden along with the news; the news that had shattered me. The same news that I had kept hidden and ignored and had refused to acknowledge. It didn't bode well for me when Billy was asking me to relive that day, _one_ of the worst days of my life.

Two days ago, I got the shock of a lifetime. Charlie and Renesmee were having a grandfather and granddaughter bonding day while I went out for some much needed groceries. At Forks' small grocery, I was doing my best to ignore the faint whispers around me. A year after Nessie's birth, and the gossip mongers of Forks still couldn't stop spreading rumors of how the Cullens had left because of my unplanned pregnancy, and how _he_ was only into me for the sex. But the whispers became mute in my ears as my chest area began burning, then it had escalated and soon I was gasping for air. I faintly remembered falling to the ground and then blacking out.

Someone was responsible enough to call the ambulance. I had woken up in the middle of chaos; doctors and nurses everywhere and I was sure I heard Charlie calling my name but I was too weak and had slipped into unconsciousness after that.

It wasn't until the next day that I found out what had happened.

During my short pregnancy I had developed an abominable aorta. The vein that carries blood from the lungs to the heart-the aorta- enlarges and keeps growing until it eventually ruptures. It could happen genetically or during pregnancy which was my case. I had memorized every symptom Dr. Greene had listed.

I had experienced all of them.

The dizzy spells, chest pains, the headaches, the migraines and the vomiting; I had all of them. I had brushed them off as just an improper diet or pregnancy a post-pregnancy symptoms at the time. But, now I knew better. I just wished that I _didn't _know better.

I told Billy as much as I could remember, including how I felt about it all. He listened quietly, taking everything in before wheeling beside me and taking me in his arms as I cried and sobbed.

But I wasn't finished yet. There was a very important part I had deliberately left out until the end.

"Billy," I sniffed, "there's something else."

I pulled back from his embrace and wiped my puffy eyes of the tears. I took a deep breath that did nothing to ease my fears, and finally spoke the little secret I had been carrying by myself.

"They said that at the rate the vein was growing that surgery wouldn't make sense and that it was a 50/50 chance whether I did surgery or not." The air stilled around me as if even mother nature wanted to hear the secret. Even though I had cried my eyes out not 5 seconds ago, tears still threatened to let loose before I could finish. I held the emotions back enough to say what I had to say.

"They gave me three weeks to live."

There was no stopping the tears that endlessly started to flow and the sobs that rocked my body. My frustration and sadness and fear leaked out of me for the first time since two days ago. But like everything that had happened since my angel was born, I wasn't scared for myself. I was scared for Renesmee. What would happen when I died? Who would take care of her? Charlie was there but he had a job and although Renesmee grew rapidly every minute of every day, she was still a baby and needed love and happiness and to be cared for. And even though it _was _only two days ago, a lot had happened since then.

Crying in the arms of my father's best friend, I knew that he wanted me to tell dad, and if I didn't tell him soon, he would.

I knew how growing up with only one parent made you feel. And in three weeks, my daughter wasn't going to have any unless-

And just like that, hope sprang into my heart.

In three weeks, my daughter wasn't going to have any parent figure in her life, unless…


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 5

In three weeks, my baby wasn't gonna have a parent unless I give her what she wanted all along: her father.

Suddenly, I had hope again. Nessie would get her wish. My heart warmed at the thought. I knew that they would want nothing to do with me, but they would love her. I was sure of it. It was hard not to love Nessie: she was innocent and so considerate. No, they wouldn't want anything to do with me, but for Renesme, they would make an exception. They would love her and teach her things that I couldn't. They would teach her more about her vampire abilities.

Carlisle would want to know more about her:my little miracle. Esme and Rosalie would get the child they've always wanted. Alice would have fun teaching her about all the clothes and make-up and designers and material things that I could never give her. After all, she didn't do anything, and if I didn't go and mess up things with HIM, then my angel would have a father in her life.

I sighed, it was all my fault. I know that it was my fault and countless of times before, I've told myself that I accept the blame and the only thing I could do is to try to correct my mistakes through my baby, to try to give her what she would be lacking when I caused Edward to walk away. A single staccato sting engulfed my heart as his name crossed my mind before the ever-present ache replaced it.

I hadn't done a great job of giving her what she lacked. But I realize now that it was inevitable, I guess I was just waiting for something drastic to happen so I could have a plausible excuse for being a failure as a mother and go look for what my heart had caused my body immense pain for.

Because now my heart was beating erratically, just like it used to whenever he touched me or kissed me or even smiled that crooked smile at me. But just like every other memory, I squelched those down extra hard and forced myself to return to the present.

I gave Billy an extra hard squeeze before I pulled away, a small smile tugging at my lips and hope blooming in my heart like new spring. My little miracle would get her father, and a big family that would love and care about her like I do.

That evening I drove home alone. Nessie insisted on spending the rest of the weekend with Jake. Never mind the fact that Jake begged along with her, I was unresistant to a pair of puppy dog eyes far less for two pairs. Together they were dangerous. I just hope Billy knew what he was getting himself into when he only watched on in amusement.

I left the Blacks' house smiling from ear to ear.

My smile dissolved once distance was put between my baby and me.

A huge weight was weighing me down. My epiphany _and_ my confession from before came back, but this time it brought with it the complications that memories and distant, dull aches had blocked before. I drove down the road to Forks while my mind was preoccupied, trying to go in every direction. Questions pummeled through my mind, but not one was answered. Where would I even begin to look for the Cullens? Would I still be alive if they were found? Would I tell them about the disease that was killing me? Would Billy tell Charlie about it? Would Charlie tell them if they were ever found? What would they think of my daughter? What would they think of _Edward's_ daughter?

But then a thought drifted into my mind. I can't keep her from her family but at the same time, I can't take her away from her imprint either. The thought rocked me harder than possible and I found that I couldn't breathe.

Chaos erupted inside my head as it tried to go in various directions, trying to find the solution. I felt like I was literally being pulled in two different directions. It was too much for me. My palms felt cold and clammy and suddenly my breaths came in shallow gasps. I couldn't focus on anything, the road was a blur. I heard a screech and I swerved, narrowly missing the other car coming towards me. The truck skidded to a stop and the force rocked me hard in my seat.

The world was spinning around me. Everything was out of focus. I couldn't breathe and my chest was on fire. Desperately, I tried to get in air but only gasps came. Bile rose to the surface of my mouth. Quickly, I fumbled with the door handle and fell out of the truck. I ignored the pain in my hands and knees as my whole body rocked as I threw up the contents of both my breakfast and lunch, in the grass.

My stomach convulsed as I stayed in all fours, dry heaving into the ground after nothing else would come out. My limbs felt weak and air still eluded me. My head was spinning and I couldn't focus on my surroundings. Somewhere I heard sirens and people calling my name, but it was like I was underwater. I could no longer hold on and I surrendered to the fatigue and weakness.

I fainted.


End file.
